On Separated Children

Two little sisters in a fruit orchard and garden

Subsequent to retiring from active professional work in 2010, this author has spent time in campaigning on various issues to improve the planet and the life that dwells upon it. The issues have ranged from environment to spirituality, life style to child welfare. It is true that no one human can make a difference to the many challenges our world faces but all can make a little difference even by just a small act of kindness or just planting a tree anywhere they find ground for it. If one keeps at it, some of these efforts can make a huge difference in lives of many as a few of the posts of this blog have done including one encouraging a biscuit maker in India to replace trans-fats in their biscuits with a healthier oil. It is a biscuit that is consumed daily by millions of children across India because of its low cost and easy availability.

On the issue of children, this author has personally campaigned much on social media, for several years (for example see). The most recent matter was on the fate of separated children on American borders where children had been take away from migrant parents against their will while they were detained separately. Moved by the plight of these children, this author as also many others campaigned vigorously on the issue. Fortunately, President Trump has reversed this policy speedily and most of these children have been returned to their parents.  The apparent chief administrator of this policy in his administration has been given the marching orders along with his copy of the Holy Bible. Praise the Lord.

Politics invariably enters any issue nowadays and some of the responses this author received on twitter to defend the separation policy said that the matter is not so serious as is being made out, that these are only thousands of children while millions across America are separated because of divorced parents. My answer was that in case of divorced parents, the child is still under care of one of the parents with additional possible access in varying amounts to the rest of the family whereas these children taken away on border are separated from both parents and family and they face a chance of far greater traumatic damage because of it. My concern was primarily for child first rather than parent even though a parent too faces deep anguish when a child is separated. The parent however is a grown up and the damage would not likely affect an adult for life, as it may adversely affect a child. Many adults even mature because of periods of hardships and sorrow in adult life. That matter now behind us, it is worthwhile to say a few words about children separated from one of the parents in divorce based on the authors experience through life. A reading of it will surely benefit any divorced parent or a child of such parents.

Children separated because of divorce

Healthy development of a child requires care and love of both parents and even to some extent the rest of the family, especially grand parents. This care is a part of normal human experience. When a child is largely separated from one of the parents, he or she may not achieve full potential in life and may also suffer serious setbacks. It is only in a minority of cases that a child is better off with just one parent. These latter cases include a parent who might be inhumane or evil in some way so as to be harmful to a child. There may also be cases when there is serious incompatibility between parents that creates hostility and/or quarrels at home that can impact a child adversely and in this case too the child would be better off if the parents live separately, preferably without divorcing so as not to burden the child further. The family courts and legal systems of most countries assign the primary care to one of the two, father or mother, subsequent to divorce and varying amounts of access to the other parent so that the child may derive benefit of both a father and mother to varying degrees, for example a stay in holidays with a divorced parent. However in reality this access gets compromised or even severely curtailed in very many cases around the world for reasons described next.

The primary caregiver parent may be insecure that if they give much access to the other parent they may lose the child at some stage in life and thus deny access to the other parent. A common method is similar to methods used by political parties to damn an opposing political party. Selective information and misinformation is repeated to make the child hostile to the other parent. The result is that the child himself or herself may refuse to go to the other parent in a holiday. A parent may do this thinking that they are doing this in the best interest of the child they love. However, it is neither wise nor in the best interest of all concerned.

More aggressive methods involve moving the child around to unknown locations, in some cases, even other countries. This author would like to tell divorced parents that this denial of access is not a wise course. Unselfish love of a child is deeper and more durable through life. It requires that they give rightful access to the other parent too. In any case the child shall not be with them forever. They will become adults and move away through work or marriage.

A second more deplorable reason of a divorced parent to deny access of a child to the other parent is to use the child as a means to extort money from the other parent beyond what the courts provided for in the settlement at the time of divorce. Human greed is limitless and this author is witness to cases where a relatively rich parent who has custody of children tries repeatedly to extort money from the other parent who may be much financially deprived perhaps because of the settlement at the time of divorce. This deplorable behavior is unfortunately not uncommon among divorced parents. It is self-defeating. It hurts them as well as the children. An ethical human will not give in to unethical extortion or may be unable to. The practice produces little financial benefit for the greedy party while alienating the child from the other parent. The parent being extorted is likely to hold back any other financial help too he or she may have given voluntarily to the child from love and affection, whenever feasible and as and when they came to live with him intermittently. It is a natural reaction of a parent to provide for a child under their care for brief or long periods.

For Children of Divorced Parents

This author has a message for children of divorced parents who have faced separation from one of the parents because of reasons discussed in previous paragraphs. When you grow up reflect on the issue and attempt to revive your relationship and affection with the other parent. Parental love is a biological bond that can be revived even after years of separation and adults can overcome political style family propaganda through quiet reflection. True, that with long separation some estrangement takes place but it too can be overcome beginning with small gradual steps, whereas making no effort would deepen it further. It would only enrich your life, of your children whenever you have them, and perhaps even land you an inheritance, big or small, that you may otherwise miss.

NOTE ADDED MAY 2019

Dear reader this article is not just based on my experience of divorced parents around the world, but my own personal experience too, as you can see from a temporary notice i put on a pillar of a gate today. If necessary, I shall replace it with a permanent one in near future, but this picture here shall remain. best wishes to all,

Tie love, truth and simplicity to your soul and all shall be well