How to find Romantic love

Artist: Pompeo Girolamo Batoni

“Your task is not to seek love, merely to seek barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi, the prophet of love
At times, some of my younger and not so young friends ask how to find romantic love that they are missing in their lives, based on my experience in the journey through life, at a time when I have seen what I wished to see and have nothing more to seek in this lap of an eternal journey, this life, and have come to the end of the road to share and reflect on what I saw.

I did a post on this topic a long time ago in this blog. However, since a visitor to this blog raised a comment on the issue to the last post, I had promised that I shall do a post on it again. Especially, because to be frank the earlier post was primarily directed at an older friend with a philosophical bent of mind and the answer in the older post was therefore philosophical and somewhat advanced. Other younger persons wish for simple answers, some limited steps that they may adapt in their lives so as to find what they seek. Romantic relationships based primarily in love and not lust is a part of growing up and can make an immense contribution to the growth of a soul. Therefore I wish my young friends good luck in finding a new relationship. Here are some simple steps that will help

The very first step is to realize that there are a few things in life that do not come by directly seeking them. Love, including romantic love and happiness are two such. Rather, they may be found simply by doing the right things that lead to it and attract it. Please do the following:

  •  Health: Healthy and active persons attract more love and happiness than lazy and sickly person. But if you are a man, please do not think that it requires you to become a body builder. Just go for a good nutritious diet, at least half an hour to an hour of active physical activity five or six times a week and a reasonably disciplined life that includes regular hours of sleep. Nothing dissipates a person more than regular late nights and irregular meals, keep that to no more than once a week. There are a lot of articles on food for health if you search through this blog if you were interested.
  • Cheerful and Happy:  Cheerful persons attract love whereas sulking ones repel it. There is only one way in life to become happy and that is by trying to make others you interact with happy, and when you have found that, add cheer by adding humor to your life. You will find enough humorous TV programs for that.
  • Appearance: It goes without saying that appearance matters, especially in the initial phase of attracting someone’s attention. However, for ladies and perhaps also men using cosmetics etc. is not the route to go. Those need to be reserved for special occasions only. What is required instead is that you remain very clean and wear clean clothes of an appropriate style and color that is becoming on you. Hair style is very important to looks and if you like you might consult friends or a stylist for that, choosing a style that is neither outlandish nor difficult to maintain. Choose a simple hair style that looks good on you. As regards clothing styles, go for conservative moderate styles rather than the latest trends. Choose colors on the recommendation of friends to bring out the best in you. You may also wish to try the new CAANS system of dress colors that seeks to determine your most effective color for success in love through astrology and numerology ( check this).It is applicable to both men and women but ignore the reviews on it on Amazon because they are politically motivated by vested interests..
  • Get set and go:  Attend events where you can run into people, and when you have found someone right, listen more rather than talk more, do things for them rather than expect they do things for you and do not be judgmental. Remember that arguing is a way to kill love, not win it, therefore avoid that. If you have to make a point, do it,  but do not press or rub it in. Make friends as a step towards finding love and when you find one that is love, invest your time and effort into it. You could ask him/her for a lunch or dinner date, coffee/beer or accept an invitation to do so. If things go wrong a few times at first, just give some time and make an attempt to return to the relationship rather than a permanent sulk or hurt. It is a part of the journey.
Lust if any as must be in a romantic relationship must be subservient to love, not the other way around. The wise Saint Kabir (his picture is in an earlier post) even went as far as saying - Where there is lust, there is no love; where there is love, there is no lust.

Based on my own experience and reflection this is what I have to say in this matter. Relationships based on love have a component of the divine love in it and therefore the best and perhaps the only way of finding them is to allow the Universal Consciousness to find one for you rather than by looking your self. What does this mean in practical terms? I can explain this through an example.

Supposing you make regular forays into the forest to look for a special flower that will touch your heart and have a special meaning for you, it is possible then that you may not find one or settle for one that is not truly it. On the other hand if you were just crossing the forest as a quick short cut to the market and somewhere midway you stopped dead in your tracks because your attention was struck by a lovely flower than this is it.
There is also a frequent complaint in this area - that I found true love, but it was not reciprocated, it was one sided - this is rarely so. True love is rarely if at all one sided. It is mutual. If it appears to be one sided it is more likely lust or obsession or both and not love or more likely a case of mistaken identity. Get away from it as soon as possible before you waste time or get into deep trouble. Certainly some patience is also required to let the object of love respond at a timing of their choosing. Love may be mutual but timing can differ.  One can not force the pace of opening a lovely rose blossom.  If you try and do that the petals shall get damaged and wither away. Give time, but do not wait forever.  If you get a response in reasonable time, fine, otherwise move on. You are knocking at the wrong door.

In this area of life never ever apply pressure or use any coercion because whereas some material things of life can be won that way, a thing as good, fine and pure as love can never be won by any thing but equally good methods. It is the lowest of human behavior not different from rape, for rape can take many forms of compulsion, not just physical.  Good can be won by Good only if you think it can be won by doing bad then go see a shrink instead. Everyday we walk through the forest of life in doing whatever we have to do and the most beautiful and precious of things in life are found not by looking for them intentionally but by what appears to be good fortune and chance and true love is precious indeed whereas the other kind is full of problems and strife.


keiko amano said…

I’m pleasantly surprised to read this post because in my last comment on your previous post, I almost suggested it after reading your last comment above.

I especially like the following.

“4.…listen more rather than talk more, do things for them rather than expect they do things for you and do not be judgmental. ”

I think this applies to all relationships, but still it’s good to confirm.

“True love is rarely if at all one sided. It is mutual. If it appears to be one sided it is more likely lust or obsession or both and not love or more likely a case of mistaken identity.”

I love this. Yes, most of the times, we have such a problem as mistaken identify. Actually this is much deeper subject that perhaps you can delve into later on.

“Good can be won by Good only if you think it can be won by doing bad then go see a shrink instead.”

Hahaha. This is a great advice.

I vision this. Maybe, you can start a new blog, “Dear Ashok” or “Ask Ashok” and collect all the stories and publish a book on love and romance.

ashok said…
Thanks Keiko for a lovely and very appropriate dissection.

Funny thing, I did think that a newspaper may approach me for a male counterpart of Dear Anne, as Dear Ashok :)
ashok said…
I had mentioned that sometimes I send an article to because from there it gets around a bit more. I did that with this one too after slight editing to remove references to the blog. A link of that is posted on facebook.
ashok said…
Located a better picture of cupid in the public domain to go with this post, therefore I have replaced the earlier one with it.
keiko amano said…
I like the color of the title. It's very bright.
ashok said…
Thanks Keiko, I have been playing with the title color and I like this one too.
keiko amano said…
I forgot to mention that the font "L" of "Life" seems overlapping with the frame and invisible. I think that's additional plus.
ashok said…
Thanks Keiko. You do have a fine eye for detail

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