Keep it Clean Down Under

Clean from the Toilet

 Note: This post contains potty humor that some may find offensive. Take care :)

A friend from Australia mentioned that some call Australia down under because it is the A---  of the world. However, this note is about our bottoms, not geographical ones and how to keep them clean.

Bottoms tend to get dirty every time we produce poop and while they wash thoroughly with water in many eastern countries, it seems they are still wiping with modern versions of leaves of the forests i.e. toilet paper in the West. I have often wondered what they did in winter back in the old days when there were no toilets and when it snowed so that there were no soft or even prickly leaves on the bushes. Conifers remain ever green but one would hardly recommend the pins and needles they have. They probably picked up a bit of snow as a wipe. Can imagine it must have frozen stiff, LOL

While a water wash may be cleaner, it takes practice and unless a Westerner can get an Eastern friend to show how it is done, it is difficult. Moreover, western toilets are not fully equipped and designed for it. Eastern one’s usually have a separate tap and mug at hand for the job.It must be recorded though that not only is the wet wash technique cleaner, it also helps the environment and trees by saving on paper. However, if one becomes obese it can become difficult to stretch the hand enough to the right exit for the job while seated on the toilet, because in the wet wash method it must be reached from the front only so as to be able to cup the water in the left hand while pouring it from the right very near the location, and not from behind. I can imagine some readers trying imaginative acrobatics to explore what I have written here come morning :-)

Most certainly a dry wipe is not clean unless one is heading for a shower or bath right after and that does not happen every time. A new practice has now started of wet wipes that are much cleaner except that some of the wet wipes do not degrade as fast as the dry ones. They have been clogging up sewer lines in London especially around areas rich ladies live who prefer being squeaky clean, and that is not a pun. LOL  Seems because of a blocked line the stuff backed up in a low lying basement toilet so that a user got buried neck deep in the stuff from around his neighborhood. Buckingham Palace is not too far from this location and it is possible that some of these precious offerings were from Her majesty, The Queen if that is any consolation.

Personally having lived in both the East and the West, I have used both practices. Recently having got a little cut and bandage on my left index finger (on the hand used for wet washes) I returned to toilet paper. I devised my own method for a cleaner bottom though that is worth sharing with the world. Just get a box of soft Kleenex and keep it on a counter near the toilet paper. After a dry wipe, follow with a wet wipe with the folded Kleenex dipped in water. One could fold up the toilet paper in a wad to do the same but kleenex seems better. If the practice catches on may I suggest the company produce another brand in a better size that might be name Kleenax.  

In case friends take up this practice may I suggest an anti bacterial wet wipe would be better. I do not mean to suggest that you burn your bottom with dettol or something but gentler mineral agents are available that when diluted sufficiently would do the trick. For example potassium permanganate or silver citrate in appropriate concentrations would likely help. Perhaps my scientific friends can research and come up with the right percentage in ppm and how to produce it for keeping at hand next to the Kleenax. Pity the bottoms that will suffer in the process though. Higher than necessary concentrations of potassium permanganate, brown the bottom and silver citrate blacken its.  would hate for my white friends to be asked if they have mixed ancestry perchance someone looked at their colored bottoms. Fortunately, even though the potassium permanganate solution is red it browns the skin rather then redden it or one might end up with the bottom of a monkey, LOL

A friend who is a business anchor on BBC, The world famous Aaron Heslehurst,  returns all browned up from a tan after a visit down under in Sydney every holidays and he need not worry though if the permanganate solution did some more browning.